42 Years, or the Secrets That Keep Your Relationship Strong

I can't believe it's been 42 years since I met my husband.  We sat next to each other in Sunday school on a cold and rainy day, at a church I was being paid to attend.  (I had been hired to provide special music for the morning service.)  And here we are, married for over four decades, commemorating that first accidental meeting and the one – even more surprising – that occurred the next day.

The basis of a long-term relationship isn't flowers or date night, as enjoyable as these are.  Author Erica Bauermeister describes these as "the equivalent of a new color painted on your walls."  And that's pleasant, maybe a little exciting, but it has nothing to do with the sturdy structure of your house.

And structure is what you need for longevity.

Essential building blocks

So what does form a solid structure – the firm foundation, sound frame, and impermeable roof of your relationship?  It's unloading the dishwasher even though it's your partner's turn, or washing and folding their underwear and socks.  It's fixing the tuna sandwich they asked for even though you don't particularly care for tuna.  It's learning about geology or classical music because your partner loves it.  It's talking about the best of your partner in public, not the worst.  It's listening to the stories you've heard many times before without impatience or complaint – sometimes, it's just listening, period.

As psychologist John Gottman has said, "It is the presence of respect and an abiding willingness to support each other – more than romance – that indicates whether a marriage will last."  His decades of research and work with married couples show that these are the qualities that keep couples together.

Gottman and his associates have proposed a formula for staying happy in a relationship.  5:1, or five positive interactions for every negative interaction.  It could be five sincere compliments, five displays of affection, five shared laughs, five favors done, etc. for each angry comment or complaint.  Honestly, I don't know that we should keep score, but the general idea of the positives outweighing the negatives is undoubtedly a good idea.

My husband Jon and I were both 24 when we married, and we thought that "keeping the romance alive" was essential.  But as those of you who have tended careers and parented children will understand, that can be a real challenge.  When things start feeling a little too ordinary, it's possible to think that your marriage is no longer very good, even if there's nothing particularly bad about your relationship.  So some people call it quits at that point, and go looking for something more exciting.

It must feel pretty awful when that exciting new relationship is no longer all about attraction and trysts, but about learning to live together on a day-to-day basis.

The inevitable routine

Have you ever gotten bogged down while decluttering your house or your life?  You may have begun with a lot of excitement, but soon that initial inspiration fades, and you're in the trenches.  You accomplish a little, but more clutter trickles in.  It's two steps forward and one back as you slowly make progress.  When will the big payoff arrive, that wonderful day when your beautiful, uncluttered, peaceful, organized home emerges from the overburdened muddle it once was?  It's hard to know, and hard to keep plodding forward.

Or maybe you decluttered quickly, within a few days or weeks, because you were under the pressure of a deadline (a move, a new baby, retirement, or some other fairly drastic change).  You had a brief period of elation, but now you realize that you'll have to be a vigilant gatekeeper forever, because things enter your home and life every day – mail, groceries, freebies, gifts, necessary purchases, impulse purchases, and more.  Your lovely, clutter-free home won't stay that way by itself.  It takes maintenance, and guess what?  Maintenance isn't sexy.  In fact, it can be boring.  Without a big challenge, it's just the same old, same old.

I hate to say it, but marriage can be like this.  A fun trip or a romantic date night can be that "new color painted on your walls."  It wakes things up for a bit.  Just like an inspiring blog post or the latest book about decluttering can push you a little further on your minimalist journey.  But soon you adjust to that exciting newness, and it's back to routine.

Make the choice.

Here's where those essential building blocks come in.  You need a habit of kindness and respect for your partner, just as you need daily awareness about what you bring into your home and life, and habits of picking things up and putting them away, cleaning as you go, and the other little tricks of remaining tidy.

This might not sound sexy, but absolutely knowing that your partner always has your back and is willing to go the extra mile for you is pretty special.  So is living in a home that holds exactly what you need and love, and nothing more.

Like deciding whether to stay put or move somewhere new, your partner becomes The One for you when you choose to love and appreciate him or her.  There was a time when that person was the one you wanted, and you were excited and happy to begin your life together.  Can you look at him the way you used to, and notice all the traits you originally found endearing?

Plenty of studies show that our actions shape our emotions, so you don't have to wait for stronger feelings to develop.  You can make them happen now.  Try making a list of things you appreciate about your partner.  Challenge yourself to make it as long as possible, and then share a few items with her in a short note or text.  Do it again in a few days, and make it a regular habit.  Go with him to that action movie he'll love, or with her to that cute little bakery she told you about.

These little tasks are all things you would have delighted to do when you were first getting to know each other.  Maybe you've stopped doing them, and maybe that's why your life together seems blasé.  Your relationship may feel boring because you've stopped tending it.  It's stale because you let it sit idle.  You don't have to take an exotic cruise to spice things up – you just need a bit of daily maintenance.  Try to get beyond the daily list of who needs to do what, when, and where, and ask about the book he's reading or her plans for the garden this spring.  Keep adding to your positive interactions, and watch your pleasure at being together grow.

You might think you don't have to pay attention to the solid structure of your relationship, but like dry rot or a leaky pipe, continued neglect leads to big, expensive problems.  Make those daily choices that, like your clutter-free life, will achieve and maintain your happy relationship for the long term.

You can thank me with some coffee.