True Love Means Saying "I'm Sorry"

We say it easily to strangers:  "Oh, sorry, my bad, I misunderstood you."  "Excuse me, I didn't see you.  Sorry."

We say it easily to our bosses:  "Sorry, but I'm going to need an extra day for that report because of that other report you asked for.  Let me fill you in on what I have so far."

We say it easily to friends for small things:  "Sorry I'm late.  I hope you didn't wait long."

Some of us apologize all the time for little or unavoidable things that almost don't need an apology.  But if you're anything like me, there are other times when apologies are difficult.  That's usually when you really have something to apologize for.  When an apology is necessary in order to repair a relationship.  When the apology involves accepting blame (or part of it) for something you did or didn't do.

The conditions of love

With Valentine's Day around the corner, it's time to think about love, not just for romantic partners, but for everyone we care about.  And for most of us, those relationships have their ups and downs.  We're all flawed, and that means our relationships are too.

Think about a time you were treated unjustly by a parent or unkindly by a sibling or friend.  Maybe they feel sorry about it later, but making an apology is much too hard.  Maybe it feels like it would change the balance of your relationship too much.  But whatever the reason, the words "I'm sorry" are never said.  Perhaps they just go back to treating you as they usually do, maybe with a bit of offhand kindness to try to smooth things over.

Have you done that to a friend, sibling, spouse, or child?  Have you just acted as if nothing ever happened?  Maybe you've swept your bad or unconsidered behavior under the rug, and hoped it never came up again.  I have, and I can tell you it leaves a sore spot on a relationship.

Can you imagine how powerful a real apology is in that situation?  "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have done that/said that/jumped to that conclusion.  I was wrong.  Please forgive me."

It's not true (in spite of the 1970s book and movie Love Story saying so) that "love means never having to say you're sorry."  That implies that love is unconditional.

If you're a parent, your love for your child may be the closest we humans can get to unconditional love.  It doesn't just evaporate when your child makes a mistake or a choice that hurts you.  It persists, perhaps through all manner of bad behavior.  Young, dependent children probably love their parents unconditionally too.

But friends, close family members, spouses, and your older children don't love without conditions, and they shouldn't.  Healthy relationships require trust, respect, and mutual benefit.  Partners in any relationship owe those things to each other.  A relationship where one person continually takes advantage of another isn't loving – it's abusive.

That doesn't mean that any one transgression will end a relationship.  We will at some point fail the ones we love.  But without apology and forgiveness, the relationship may suffer damage, especially if that pattern happens again and again.

Imagine that someone you're in a relationship with does something to hurt or offend you.  They don't apologize, but go on as if nothing ever happened.  Because they don't make an apology, it's easier for them to hurt or offend you again.  After all, there were no uncomfortable consequences the first time.  Perhaps you were angry and showed your anger in some way (actively or passively), but they didn't have to go through the process of admitting they had done something wrong.  They didn't accept the humble role of a person asking forgiveness.  They didn't have to modify their behavior to earn your respect and trust once again.  So they continue to treat you badly whenever they wish.

Over time, your relationship with this person is eroded.  Your ill-used love for them suffers.  The relationship is one-sided, and your partner gets all (or most) of the benefit.  And all because she can't (or won't) apologize.

What is an apology?

Please note that excuses and justifications are not the same as an apology.  As psychologist Joseph E. Davis explains, they are "verbal devices to neutralize blame for an offensive, harmful, or inappropriate act and prevent loss of status."  They're a way of saying "I didn't really do anything bad, but if you're upset, then I can be big enough to say sorry."

A true apology is not a strategy, negotiation, or "failure management technique."  It's not a formulaic social transaction.  Instead, responsibility is acknowledged by the offender.  At least partial blame is accepted, regret is expressed, and perhaps a promise to "do better" is given.  A sincere apology is personal, maybe even painful, with a moral component and a desire for healing.

Dr. Nicholas Tavuchis, author of Mea Culpa: A Sociology of Apology and Reconciliation, writes,

We not only apologize to someone, but also for something.  We affirm the objective wrongness of what we did.  To apologize is to declare voluntarily that one has no excuse, defense, or justification for an action (or inaction) that has failed or wronged another.

This is the only way to cleanse and heal unfairness, insults, lies, or mistreatment, and it sounds very hard to do!  Not only is an apology humbling, but it requires the sort of introspection and soul-searching that we often try to avoid.

Now, an apology, no matter how sincere, cannot undo what has been done.  And yet, writes Tavuchis,

... when our remorseful admission of wrongdoing is converted into a gift that is accepted and reciprocated by forgiveness, our world is transformed in a way that can only be described as miraculous.

Relationship repair

Popular culture can fill our heads with all sorts of silly notions about how we should think, feel, and act.  The idea that love means never having to say you're sorry sounds lofty.  But it's wrong.

When we've hurt someone we love – including our grade-school or older children – we absolutely need to apologize, sincerely and with a desire to mend and strengthen the relationship.  It's the only way to move forward with trust, respect, and mutual benefit.  In other words, true love means we must say "I'm sorry."

Did you find this post compelling or useful?  You'll like my book, Help, Thanks, Sorry, Awesome: The Four Foundations of Every Relationship.*

Our lives are defined by our relationships:  son, daughter, sibling, spouse, parent, boss, co-worker, neighbor, and more.  It's an extraordinary fact that having good and loving relationships is as essential to us as air, food, and water.

To maintain the health of our connections, we need a few tools.  Help, thanks, sorry, awesome.  Not just words – four attitudes that improve the quality of all of our relationships, and of our lives.

Most of the things we crave aren't essential.  The things we desire seem attractive, but only a few satisfy something deep within.  But love is different.  Love is happiness.

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