How to Live at Peace with Your Loveable Packrat

Many who try to simplify their lives may find at some point that it's not the clutter that presents the biggest challenge to a peaceful, manageable life with less, but the person they live with.  Living with a packrat can be really frustrating, especially if that person is your life partner, but even if he or she is your college roommate.

I get comments and emails from people who want to know how to deal with the situation.

I've been trying to declutter, but my husband's/wife's/teenager's/roommate's stuff is driving me crazy!  They're not on board with my quest for a simpler life, and I'm getting frustrated.  How can I live with a packrat?

If you're in this situation, decluttering by itself isn't going to add to your peace.  In fact, it might create more tension in your household.  It's important to find ways to deal with the issue.

4 ways to deal with your differences

This issue isn't confined to clutter, and it affects a lot of relationships.  One partner wants to make a positive life change, and the other isn't interested, doesn't see the need, or actively discourages or thwarts the effort.  If you have a spouse who likes to spend a lot when you're trying to be frugal and get out of debt, or a spouse who often eats sugary, fatty foods when you're trying to limit them and eat healthfully, that can be just as annoying as the spouse who continually adds clutter and won't release his hold on anything he's accumulated.

There are ways to find peace in spite of your differences.  Let's consider a few strategies and see if any appeal to you.

1.  Win them to your side.

This is the ideal, and the one I used successfully with my husband.  When I first began decluttering more than 25 years ago, I didn't force Jon to join me.  I tried hard (not always successfully) not to touch his stuff, but only decluttered my own belongings or things we both used (such as kitchen items).  I also worked with my kids to declutter their toys.  Pretty soon, he started noticing the benefits of what I had done, and became more interested in decluttering himself.

We can't change someone else, or force them to change.  (Think of how hard it is to change ourselves!)  We can't nag or bully, at least not if we want to maintain happy relationships. Here's what we can do.

• Inspire.  Show them what a good change this is for you, how it has helped you and made you happier.  Show them how you have less stress and more time and energy once you've simplified.  Let them know how much this excites you.

• Inform.  Talk to them about what you're doing and why, what the process is, and how it makes you feel.  Ask them if they'd be willing to read about it, and send them an article or blog post you find particularly inspiring.

• Ask for help.  Making any change is easier if you have the help and support of loved ones.  Often, people are willing to help when you ask, even if they wouldn't be willing to do the same activity on their own.  Don't make it seem that you're trying to change them, just that you want their help as you make your own change.

• Be a team.  If you live together, you should try to think of yourselves as on the same side.  If they're open, ask them if they'd like to join you.  Sometimes they will!

• Be patient.  Just because you're excited about making a change doesn't mean your partner will be.  People move at their own pace.  Maybe in the future your partner will start to show more interest.  In the meantime, try not to be negative.  I know from my own experience that negativity works against you.

2.  Use a zone defense.

If the ideal strategy doesn't work (or hasn't worked yet), and your partner or roommate refuses to join you in decluttering, try to work out a compromise.  A compromise isn't ideal – compromises never are.  But it's better than constant arguments and unhappiness, so it's worth a try.

Divide your house into zones.  Maybe the kitchen and living room are yours, while the home office and bedroom are theirs.  You could even have zones within one room – you control the kitchen counters and cupboards while they have the table, or you manage the bedroom except for their bedside table and their side of the closet.

This isn't a perfect solution, but it could be workable, especially if each of you realizes that you're giving something up.  You're giving up your vision of complete neatness and lack of clutter, but they're giving up their desire to fill your house with anything and everything, no questions asked.  And both of you are placing a curb on your tongues.

Within your zone, you're free to do what you want.  Declutter or hoard, it's up to you.  Decorate and clean it how you want.  But no one's allowed to violate the other's zone.  Their stuff doesn't encroach on your area (or if it does, they clean it up right away with no complaints).  Meanwhile, as long as their area doesn't spill over its bounds, you don't criticize.

This solution can work particularly well with your teenager, but it can be a temporary or permanent option with anyone.

3.  Find calm within the chaos.

This is a difficult strategy, but some people have managed it.  You must accept your partner's packrat ways.  Accept that you love them, but you can't change them.

This is tough, I know.  It doesn't seem fair to give up something that's important to you because your partner won't support it.  It would take a lot of prayer and soul-searching.  It could take months or years to learn it, but consider that if you don't make the effort, you may lose your sanity, as well as your relationship.

Accept what you can't change, and change what you can.

One way to live with this is to ask your partner if you can declutter certain things, and if they can keep at least some of their clutter in cabinets, the garage, or maybe in a backyard shed.  Hiding their clutter is definitely better than having to look at all of it all the time.

Now, they're probably going to continue to leave clutter around the house, and if you don't like it, you'll have to clean up after them.  It may be worth your time in order to have a neater, simpler space without arguments.

If you choose this strategy, I suggest two practices:

• Spend time in daily prayer or meditation to find peace, patience, and tranquility.

• Maintain a zone of simplicity – one or two corners of the house that are reserved for you to read, work, or simply relax in, without clutter.  This could be one chair and side table in the living room, your personal desk and bedside table, or even one counter in the kitchen.  Ask your partner to respect those small areas just for you.

4.  Call it quits.

This is the most drastic of last resorts.  I know there are times when people grow apart, and their lifestyles, viewpoints, and dreams are no longer compatible.  In such cases, it might be better if they go their separate ways, especially if staying together causes more misery than happiness.

Now, I'm not recommending divorce.  I would never recommend that, although I know some people who have separated because they can no longer live together.  Clutter is not usually the only issue in such cases.  I think this strategy is more appropriate for roommates, who haven't made a lifetime commitment to each other.  But if things have gotten so bad that you can't be happy together, you might have to consider all of your options.

If your loveable packrat is your spouse, my guess is that you're ready to look harder at those first three options!

Related article:  Help – My Partner's Clutter is Driving Me Crazy!