How to Be More than "Nice" - Access the Proven Benefits of Kindness

My mom used to say "Use your manners.  Be nice.  It will make people like you."  She was teaching me the basic formula for getting along with people, and it was a valuable lesson.

Being polite is important for a civil society.  Holding the door for someone, letting someone else go first, saying please and thank you – these are behaviors we teach our children.  And yet it's possible to have correct manners without being truly kind.

Politeness might be the face we show the world, but it can be self-centered.  It might be more about gaining approval and making a good impression than treating people well.  It's possible for charm to conceal selfishness and greed.

Personality isn't the same as character.

More than skin deep

We all know that being polite makes social interactions more pleasant.  It makes work environments smoother and more productive.  It can improve the service we receive in a store or restaurant.  Politeness is important, but don't mistake it for kindness.

Politeness can be a façade that masks a selfish attitude.  If I'm merely polite, I may still be focused only on my needs and wants.  I may still gossip, complain, and find fault.  I may always need to prove my point and be right.  And when push comes to shove, my polite veneer may wear thin.  When I'm stressed, I may become pushy and demanding.

Kindness is about helping and encouraging others for their benefit, not your own.  It's more than skin deep.  So the first step toward being truly kind is to mentally put yourself in someone else's shoes.  What is it like to do their job, or deal with their pressures?  How would you feel if you were in their apparent situation?

Kindness is really about treating others the way you would like to be treated, even if it's inconvenient or it requires extra time or effort.  It's the Golden Rule in action.

The challenge of kindness

Being kind is harder than being merely polite.  It's harder to empathize with and listen to others than it is to say a reflexive "please" or "thank you."  It requires you to pay attention to something beyond your own needs and to-do list.  It takes time.

Does our constant hurry and bustle make us less kind?  I'm convinced that's true.  When I'm in a hurry, I simply want people to cooperate and follow my agenda.  I might be polite, but it's going to be in a brusque and hurried way.  That's because I want to get my stuff done, and I don't want anyone or anything to get in the way.

It can be a challenge to take even a few moments to be a bit less self-involved.  We see this all the time when we're driving.  Everyone speeds, everyone acts as if other drivers should just get out of their way, because whatever they've got going on takes priority over basic politeness on the road.

I think habits like these show who we really are inside.  Politeness might be a pretense we use to get what we want.  Sensing and responding to other people's needs and desires is much rarer.

Being super-busy and focused on our own concerns can become a habit, and that habit will impact all of our relationships.  But kindness might be easier if we're just a little less busy.  Some white space in our schedules may allow us to be more thoughtful.

Maybe you think it's not possible to slow down and do less.  You may think you have no choice.  And it's true that you may be in a particularly busy time of life.  Your kids may have lots of activities, you may be growing your business or career, and you may have a lot of people depending on you.

Can you do a little less shopping, a little less scrolling, and a little less bingeing?  Can you focus on a few priorities, instead of being goaded by a clamorous and demanding world?  Can you build a bit of margin – even just five minutes – around each activity?  That five minutes can let you be cooler, calmer, and more aware and thoughtful.

Ripples and rebounds

Politeness makes our society work in a smoother, more pleasant way.  But true kindness could actually make the world a better place.  Imagine if all of us were just a bit more supportive of others.  Just a bit more unselfishness would make a big difference everywhere, like a pebble sending ripples through a pond.

What if our consistent behavior went beyond the basics of please and thank you?

• We'd be more patient.
• We'd be more willing to give and to share.
• We'd be more thankful for the good things we already have.
• We'd treat all persons as valuable, even if we're in a position to be helped or served by them.

Taking extra time to be kind has the benefit of making you feel less pressure, anxiety, and stress.  It makes you feel more useful, purposeful, and connected to others.  And since people tend to act the way they're treated, you're going to love the patience, generosity, gratitude, and consideration that rebound on you.

So let's go beyond politeness and practice a bit of big-hearted kindness today.

Want to learn more about how kindness and healthy relationships can improve your life?  Or maybe you want to share this good news with someone you love.  You'll like my newest book, Help, Thanks, Sorry, Awesome.* 

Our lives are defined by our relationships:  son, daughter, spouse, parent, boss, co-worker, neighbor, and more.  And to maintain the health of those connections, we need a few tools.  It's my hope that Help, Thanks, Sorry, Awesome will fill you in and inspire you to be a better human.

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