How to Bring Out the Awesome in Others - and Yourself

A confidence boost can take many forms.  A new outfit or a new hairstyle can make you feel attractive and put together.  Getting a promotion at work makes you feel appreciated and successful.  Accomplishing a goal, such as completing a 10K race, writing the first draft of your book, or mastering a new cooking technique can make you feel not only satisfied, but powerful.

This isn't about developing an over-inflated ego or becoming a narcissist.  To be happy, we need to feel useful and knowledgeable and believe that we'll be able to cope with our lives.

How compliments help

A lot of us give compliments as a way to be sociable and supportive to friends, co-workers, or even strangers.  And many parents are convinced that their children's self-esteem hinges on receiving plenty of compliments and rewards just for showing up.  Yet too often we don't make enough of an effort to compliment other people close to us, such as spouses, siblings, or parents.

It's true that a compliment shows people you're paying attention to them and that you care about your relationship.  But we have a tendency to be vague about compliments, or superficial.

There's nothing wrong with admiring someone's hairstyle or outfit, or congratulating them on their new job title or their daughter's recent graduation.  But if you really want to use your powers for good, learn to give a compliment that increases a person's sense of usefulness and mastery.

A compliment can do more than make the recipient feel happier in the moment.  The right kind of compliment can motivate someone to reach a goal and make them feel that they are capable of succeeding.  It can help them stick with a task even when they encounter obstacles.  The long-term result is greater faith in themselves as well as increased trust and a closer relationship with you.

Examples of compliments that empower

Compliments can do a lot of good, but they need to be offered in the right way.  Of course they should be sincere, but they should also be specific and unique.  You don't want to offer a generic statement like "Good job!" or "That was awesome!"  Those can be said carelessly, without even thinking.  Here are some better ideas.

1. You are such a joy to be around because you always make me laugh and look at things from a different perspective.
2. I wish I knew more people like you, because you're really good at making others feel happy.
3. You're such a loyal friend and so good at listening to me without passing judgment.
4. I admire your patience and ability to remain calm in difficult situations.
5. You always lift my mood with your ability to look for the silver lining when things are less than ideal.
6. Your ideas are always creative, and you've really developed your talent for carrying them out.
7. All of your practice really shows in your performance.
8. I admire the way you lead others and bring out the best in them.
9. I'm in awe of your expertise in ______, and I'd like to learn from you.
10. I love what you've done, and can't wait to see what you'll come up with next.
11. Your hairstyle frames your face perfectly.
12. Your eyes are so warm and welcoming.
13. Your smile is contagious.
14. Can you tell me what you do to get such beautiful skin?
15. You really know how to choose clothes that complement your coloring and body type.
16. You always bring a different perspective to the discussion, and that's refreshing.
17. You're so curious about everything – it's inspiring.
18. I always learn something new when I talk to you.
19. You always seem to come up with a simple solution to a complex problem.
20. You've given me many reasons to trust your knowledge and judgment.
21. I wouldn't have come up with that approach.  You're great at thinking outside the box.
22. You worked really hard at that, and it was certainly worth the time and energy in the end.
23. You should be so proud of how far you've come.
24. Congratulations!  Not many can do what you've done, and you make it look easy.
25. I admire your ability to see obstacles as learning experiences.
26. Wow!  I walked into a sparkling clean room this morning!  Thanks for taking that responsibility.
27. You were so charming and funny last night.  I felt proud to be by your side.
28. Thank you for handling that conflict with such grace and maturity.  You're my role model.
29. You put a lot of effort into that beautiful ______, and I was impressed by your attention to detail.
30. No one deserves that recognition more than you – you are so hard-working and innovative.

Worth the effort

More than just being "nice," the right compliment can build someone up and give them a sense of their value and potential.  You can encourage someone to be their best self and do their best work.  You can help their energy and optimism to soar.

Just imagine if we all did this for each other!  We'd all feel happier and more confident, be able to achieve more, and be more strongly connected.  We'd all be more awesome.

Our lives are defined by our relationships.  It's an extraordinary fact that having good and loving relationships is as essential to us as air, food, and water.  And to maintain the health of our connections, we need a few tools.  All positive relationships require four interactions:

• the ability to give and receive assistance
• the habit of expressing gratitude
• the grace to apologize and extend forgiveness
• the unselfishness and respect that rejoices in someone else's high achievements and good fortune

My new book, Help, Thanks, Sorry, Awesome: The Four Foundations of Every Relationship, is available for pre-order now in the e-book edition, and will be published in paperback and hardcover on October 25.  Those aren't just words – they're four attitudes that improve the quality of all your relationships, and of your life.

Most of the things we crave aren't essential.  The things we desire seem attractive, but only a few satisfy something deep within.  Help, Thanks, Sorry, Awesome is all about that, and I think you'll like it.