The Truth About Control - Having It, Losing It, and Gaining Something Better

Does it sometimes feel that your country, or the world, is stumbling about without structure or control?  Maybe that feeling describes your life too, at least sometimes.

Tom Brady, the NFL star quarterback for most of this century, said in a recent interview, 

I feel like, naturally as a quarterback, I was in control [of the game].  I loved flying the plane, being the operator.  I think what you realize in life is that you're not in control that much.  What do I need to do more in my life?  I need to be better with less control.

"I need to be better with less control."  That's the key to life, right there.

A dose of reality

You might say to Tom Brady, "Hey, you were a football star for decades, but now it's time to move on."  Every human goes through transitions.  There's a season to be an acclaimed athlete, and there's a season to be a sports commentator (or whatever Mr. Brady is doing next).  None of it is going to last forever. 

But that's not what we want to hear.

Sure, it might feel like we have a certain amount of control when we're having success in a career, seeing our children learn and achieve, making progress at decluttering, or whatever it is we're choosing to do with our time and energy.  But that doesn't last forever, either.  We stumble, we make mistakes,  We get sick, we get slow.  Someone disappoints us, or an accident occurs.  And we realize that we don't have control after all.

Should we just give up?  Admit we're not God?  Stop trying to fix anything?

Of course we can't fix everything.  But that doesn't mean we have to give up.

10 things we can do when life is out of control

Maybe today you're in a situation that feels out of your control.

• Your business is experiencing a downturn, in spite of steps you're taking to recover.
• A project you care about isn't working out.
• An important relationship has come to an end.
• Your child is making decisions you aren't happy about.
• Poverty, terrorism, inflation, disease, global warming, the rise of artificial intelligence, or something else keeps you awake at night.

First I would say, "Drop that impossible burden you're trying to carry."  Not because you need to detach, but because the opposite is true.  You need to stay engaged, but when you think it all depends on you, you feel defeated immediately.  You're exhausted.  You give in and stumble about.

Here's what you can do to stay in the game.

1.  Accept it.

This doesn't mean you have to like a situation.  It's a way of saving your energy for doing what you can.  Instead of raging against the thing that's out of your control (like the weather, traffic, or challenging co-workers), accept that there are some things you cannot change.

2.  Control what you can.

You can't control the fact that your job is being cut, but you can decide to update your resume, network with people in your field, and ask for referrals.  You can't control the wildfire that burned down your house, but you can contact your insurance agent, get a copy of your fire report, and find out what emergency services are available.

Even a small step toward resolving a tough situation increases endurance and hope.

3.  Think long-term.

How will this situation affect you in a year, or five years?  Some problems are not as big as we think they are, and getting perspective can help us be more calm and thoughtful.  Knowing which situations will have lasting effects helps us focus our efforts on them.

4.  Look for ways to give thanks.

Gratitude is difficult when you're dealing with situations out of your control.  It's much easier to grumble and assign blame, which is why a regular gratitude practice is so valuable.  Gratitude lets you take control of your attitude and find a way forward.  Looking for things to be thankful for is a calming, creative endeavor that nurtures resilience and trust.

5.  Ask for help.  

As I said earlier, feeling that everything depends on you can lead to a breakdown.  Ask a family member, friend, co-worker, mentor, or community resource for help.  I can sometimes be too proud to admit I need help.  Please don't be afraid to lean on your people!  You'd do it for them if situations were reversed.

6.  Take a break.

You're not a machine, and everyone faces problems better when they're rested, hydrated, and fed.  Tend to self-care by:

• drinking enough water
• eating healthy foods
• getting some exercise
• enjoying time in nature
• doing something that relaxes you, such as reading, listening to music, or working at a hobby
• sleeping

7.  Reduce decision fatigue.

Out-of-control issues take a lot of energy.  Reduce the details of life so you can focus on tasks that require more ingenuity.  You could wear a capsule wardrobe, simplify your diet, or make other one-time choices.  Save your willpower and attention for more important concerns.

8.  Talk it out.

This could mean seeing a friend or even a therapist.  But "talking" can also include writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal, meditating, and/or praying.

9.  Do something kind.

Worry and fear are self-centered.  They keep me inside my own head and place my concerns front and center.  Anything that jogs me out of that insulated mindset is good, so I try to make kindness a priority.

10.  Be willing to learn and grow.

Change is inevitable, whether we like it or not.  What we control is how we react to it.  For example, that loved one going through a tough time challenges me to listen and show loyal support.  That job loss might be your chance to start your own business or gain some new skills.

If we fight change, we'll always be frustrated and unhappy.  But if we look for the lesson or the opportunity, we become stronger, wiser, and better equipped to deal with whatever happens.

The benefits of losing control

Sometimes it feels that the world is stumbling about without structure or control.  But that doesn't mean we have to give up.  We can all learn to "be better with less control."

Take heart!  We don't control much, but we aren't completely powerless.  We can decide how we'll respond to our problems, and nurture hope, endurance, creativity, wisdom, trust, empathy, and so much more.

Related article: How to Recover from Winning