When a Loved One Won't Stop Shopping

By
I used to use gift-giving as an excuse to shop.


I had a little shopping addiction, and craved that rush of pleasure you get when you acquire something new.  But when I didn't really need anything, I had to find a way to manage the guilt of buying for no reason.


So I'd buy a gift.  I could always come up with a gift-giving occasion -- maybe Mother's Day was only a month away, or a colleague had a birthday on the horizon, or I thought I'd save an item for Christmas.  (I had a closet full of potential gifts.)


holiday shopping bags



What exactly was I buying?  


According to surveys, millions of unwanted gifts are received every Christmas.  Well over half of the stuff we purchase isn't actually brightening anyone's holiday.  And since we all feel a certain amount of guilt when we get rid of gifts, they add to the clutter in our homes, and increase our feelings of stress and overwhelm.


I was wasting money to buy things people didn't want, filling their homes with clutter.


So what do you do when your mother-in-law won't stop shopping?  She greets your pleas for no gifts, or at least fewer gifts, with horror and even anger.  She tells you that you're ruining Christmas and destroying everyone's pleasure, and that your kids "deserve to be spoiled."  She makes you feel like a Scrooge, when all you want to do is reduce clutter and waste.  Do you just give up and let her continue to load you down with unwanted gifts?


I have some ideas about that.





6 possible reactions to your shopaholic loved one


1.  Don't wait to have the "no gifts" or "fewer gifts" conversation.

Don't wait to bring the subject up at Thanksgiving dinner.  Speak up now.  Share your reasons, such as:

  • "We're really enjoying our less cluttered lifestyle." 
  • "We really want to focus on being together, rather than on opening presents, this year." 
  • "We all have plenty – wouldn't it be fun to pool our money to give to Charity X?"


2.  Share the latest research that children do better with fewer toys.

They're less distracted and more creative, finding new ways to play with the toys they have.  This actually increases their focus and cognitive development.  They also value their toys and learn to take better care of them.  Additionally, real toys (rather than tech gadgets) allow children to be in charge rather than passive, which increases their confidence and competence.


3.  Take some time to reminisce with her.

Point out that the favorite memories you share aren't about items you owned or purchased, but about places you visited, celebrations you enjoyed, traditions you practiced, and those jokes, sayings, and funny happenings that families share.


4.  Tell her that the best gifts you or your children could receive are her time and attention.

Even if she believes her "love language" is giving gifts, remind her that gifts don't need to be limited to what can be purchased in a store.  A special outing, such as a day at the zoo or science museum (without a trip to the gift shop) would create more happy memories for her grandchildren than just another toy.  A shared meal or concert would strengthen your relationship with her more than any physical gift.


5.  If she must purchase tangible gifts, be specific about wants or needs.

Make sure she knows your children's clothing and shoe sizes, and their current interests and hobbies.  Share info about your perfume allergy and the fact that you prefer to choose your own clothes, but also that you enjoy pure beeswax candles, exotic tea blends, and cozy slippers, size ___.


6.  Set the example for clutter-free giving.

Show your love and appreciation by spending time and effort, instead of shopping.  Take her to the art museum and then to lunch, arrange to get a manicure together, spend a day helping her with household maintenance or repairs, make her a calendar featuring photos of her grandkids, or donate to her favorite charity.






Updated September 2022

Comments

  1. AnonymousNovember 5, 2019 at 12:49 PM

    I did enjoy this post alot. As a young mother, I copied my grandma and created a gift giving cupboard for when my littles were invited to parties or when family came to visit or early Christmas shopping. Now that my two are young adults, I ask for a list and most likely it has weblinks on what to get. I do enjoy spending time with my two going to Christmas concerts or driving around seeing the lights that others do. No more cupboard filled with gifts. No more searching for neighbor gifts and giving them. I only purchase gifts for my two young adults at Christmas. When they have families of their own, I will probably write them a check and give it to them on October 1st. Then they can decide to use the money for a family gift or family travel or get the kids what they have to have. I hope to gather them for food and song when they have families. No gift exchange needed. With a female friend of mine I started doing Jolabokaflod-- an Iceland tradition of giving a book and chocolate for them to read in December. A in Texas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Karen TrefzgerNovember 5, 2019 at 10:26 PM

      Thank you for your thoughtful comment. That Jolabokaflod sounds like a great idea!

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Beat 3 Blocks that Keep You Cluttered

By
Image
You may not realize it, but you could be harboring some beliefs that make it difficult (or even impossible) to declutter and stay that way.  These are common mindsets that can hold us back.  If you're struggling to declutter, it's time to identify the thoughts that are making it so hard. Decluttering block #1: I hate tossing things out. I think we can agree that throwing things out feels wasteful and bad.  Especially if your parents or grandparents lived through the Depression or the World War II era, this mindset runs deep.  The urge to keep everything (even things that are broken) will be stronger if you or your family have a history of trauma or hoarding.  You might not even be aware of how strong this inner compulsion is until you start trying to declutter. If you find it hard to get rid of broken, frayed, outgrown, neglected, or otherwise unused things, see if one of these reminders can help: 1.  The reprimand might not be coming from you. Your aversio...
Read more

Why You Should Try Wearing the Same Clothes Every Day

By
Image
Wearing the same clothes every day would get boring, wouldn't it? A long time ago, I had a job that required a uniform, and I have to say it did make life easier .  I had three copies of my work outfit, and there was never a question about what to wear.  I never worried whether my clothes were stylish or "right," because everyone else wore the same thing. The same argument has been used in public and private schools in favor of student uniforms.  Rather than constant worries about fashion and comparisons and dress codes, a uniform makes everything simple.  It's one less thing to think about in the complex life of a student. Many people argue that clothes make a statement about who you are.  "I express myself through my clothes" is a comment I've often heard, usually from women.  The idea of a uniform scares them, because how will they make themselves noticeable or unique ? I think we might be imagining some sort of Handmaid's Tale society, where we...
Read more

Why You Should Make "Less is More" Your Mantra for Life

By
Image
Maybe you've heard the saying popularized by architect Mies van der Rohe in 1947:  "Less is more." It's an oxymoron – a phrase that seems to contradict itself.  Others include "old news," "open secret," "unbiased opinion," and "awfully good."  Or the lament, "Parting is such sweet sorrow." What does "less is more" mean?  It's wonderfully open-ended.  Answers to that are as varied as the people who reply.  Consider: Less anxiety, more peace. Less debt, more savings. Less busywork, more substance. Less clutter, more space. Less comparison, more contentment. Less sugar, more vegetables. Voluntary simplicity Back in the 1990s, a fair number of Americans realized that the continual quest for more and better was stressing them out and keeping them from creating lives of purpose.  After the consumerist binge of the yuppie-era 80s, some started wondering if the big house, flashy car, exotic vacation, and Rolex we...
Read more

Share the Joy - Giving the Gift of Hygge

By
Image
The international interest in the Danish lifestyle hygge (pronounced "hoo-gah") has been co-opted by retailers who want to sell to us.  Of course, we do need items to make life more comfortable, such as beds, tables, chairs, clothing, and food.  I happen to think we also need books, flowers, and candles.  No one – not even a minimalist like me – can stop consuming while they're alive. But what we can control is how much we buy that's unnecessary, and how much we waste.  And since hygge is an experience you can create, not a thing you can buy, we don't really need to purchase anything to have a more hyggeligt life.  A sunrise, a crisp and juicy apple, birdsong, the scent of rain, or a long, strong hug can provide that. 13 great hygge gifts So how do you give the gift of hygge?  What can you offer a loved one that will truly add to their stock of  comfort, joy, and life satisfaction ?  Here are some ideas, large and small, that shouldn't add to yo...
Read more

6 Quick and Easy Steps to Declutter Before the Holidays

By
Image
The holidays are just around the corner, and as you shop for and cook your Thanksgiving feast and prepare to put up Christmas or Hanukkah decorations, you'll enjoy it all even more if you do a quick clear-out while you have the chance. Not only can you make room for the Christmas tree, but you can help the whole family feel less overwhelmed by holiday bustle, and give yourself more space to savor what the season has to offer.  You'll feel better prepared for holiday guests, and more ready for a fun and relaxed celebration. I know you're extra-busy, so this is not an intense purge.  It's a quick, refreshing chance to set the stage, with the added benefit of beginning the New Year with less clutter and more freedom. So set aside 15-30 minutes for each step in the process, and let your success in one area carry you to the next with renewed energy! The quick clear-out 1.  Start in the kitchen. Many holiday traditions involve food.  Crowded counters and crammed, hard-to-a...
Read more